幫下睇下有咩錯and 比d意見 thx~~~



Composition4
Write about 400-450words on one of thetopics.
1. The average weight of a form 3 student’s school bag is now 5kg.Your school has organized a campaign to lighten school bags by encouraging students not to bring unnecessary items to school. However, you feel thatstudents are not ones responsible for the weight problem. Write a letter to theeditor of the Hong Kong Post saying what you think should be done by textbookpublishers, schools and/or students to improve the situation. Sign you name ‘ChrisWong’

Dear editor,

Picture the scene: A form 3 student brings a school bag which is veryheavy , weighty as well as cumbersome to school every day. A week later , hegot a disease called Idiopathic Scoliosis.

Dose this seem to you or your schoolmates? It can’t be denied thatIdiopathic Scoliosis caused by students bringing a heavy school bag, but Ibelieve that not only the students but also the schools and the textbookpublishers are responsible for the weight problem.

Tobegin with, I think that the textbook publishers can do something to solve the problem. For instance , the textbook publishers must print the textbooks indifferent booklets. If the heavy textbooks are printed in different booklets .students need not to bring the whole booklet, the weight of their school bag will decrease. Simultaneously, the unnecessary, insignificant and dispensable parts such as the blank pages and introduction must be cancelled in the textbook. Canceling the unnecessary parts in the textbook can reduce the weight of the textbook. In other words, the weight of student’s school bag will decrease .Personally, I think the textbook publishers should using lighte rpaper to print textbooks. Although using lighter paper to print textbooks is more expensive, actually this is an effective way to reduce the weight of student’s school bag.

Meanwhile,the schools can solve the problem after they had completed the followingsolution. First and foremost, giving students to use the lockers is a simply ,useful but not inessential way to reduce the weight of student’s school bag asthe students can put less heavy textbooks in their school bag. In respond tothe textbook publisher’s improvement, the schools should choose the textbooks whichare printed in different booklets and used lighter paper for students. This isa way which kill two birds with one stone as not only the weight of student’sbag will decrease but also more textbook publishers will print the textbook indifferent booklets and use lighter paper to print the textbook.

After suggesting the solution to the textbook publishers and schools,what can students do besides cooperate with above-mentioned solution? The firstthing students can do is tiding up their school bag every day. The other thingstudents can do is using a lighter school bag. The third thing students can dois doing homework in school so that they need not to bring too many books toschool.

Taken all together, the textbook publishers, school and students canimprove the situation of the weight problem from following the ideas.Sincerely, I hope that the weight problem can be improved instantly , like awater drop under the sun. In essence the textbook publishers , schools andstudents must solve th problem cooperatively.



Yoursfaithfully

Chris Wong

there are some mistakes in yr passage, let me discuss two of them with u
1.'Personally, I think'
after personally, don't add I think, because 'personally' already has the idea of 'I think'. Thus u can only use either one each time.
2.after 'need not', u should use b-inf., don't add 'to'.

Besides, there are some sentences which are not easy for me to understand.
However, it's great to see some good vocabularies in yr writing. e.g.,cumbersome

I am a F6 student too =]

引用:

there are some mistakes in yr passage, let me discuss two of them with u
1.'Personally, I think'
after personally, don't add I think, because 'personally' already has the idea of 'I think'. Thus u ...

thx you so much                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Is called A-Levels in Hong Kong too?
I thought you only get A-Levels in UK?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Picture the scene: A form 3 student has to bring a heavy school bag everyday to school. A week later , the heavy and cumbersome filled bag caused idiopathic Scoliosis. A spine disorder for the form 3 student.

(Spelling ->Does) this seem to you or your schoolmates? (Seem? What do you mean?)

Has this happened to you or your schoolmates? It can be argued that idiopathic Scoliosis was not caused by carrying a heavy school bag on day to day basis, but I believe that this is not the student's fault but the school's and the textbook publishers'. They are responsible for the textbook's weight and the problems that may be caused from carrying them for too long.

You're not the textbook publishers, therefore you can only suggest and say it helps but not solve it, because you're not sure 100% it'll work.

I believe that something can be done to help this problem. For instance, the textbook publishers (Not must, you're not incharge, therefore you can only suggest) can seperate (We already know we print textbooks, no need to mention "print" again. But use seperate, meaning dividing the textbook up into many thinner booklets) the textbooks into several (Not different, because it is still the same textbook, on the same subject) booklets. This way, (No need to repeat the sentence again. Also you haven't finished explaining the point, so don't use full stop, but use combo - a pause) students will not to bring the whole booklet into school, and because of that the weight of their school bag should decrease. Simultaneously, the unnecessary parts of the textbook such as the blank pages and introduction should be taken out of the textbook. By canceling the unnecessary parts of the textbook, it will reduce the overall weight. Personally, textbook publishers can use lighter paper to print textbooks. Although, this method would increase the production cost, but it is an easy and effective way of reducing the overall textbook weight compare to cancelling out unnecessary pages. (Don't say use comparison words like "effective" when you're not actually comparing it with anything else.)

Read it and ask me if you have any questions. I'll finish the 2nd half later :]

引用:

Is called A-Levels in Hong Kong too?
I thought you only get A-Levels in UK?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ...

THX~~~~